someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
