i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
