You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
