walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
