Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am one with the molecules
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
