meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
