Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
