I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize