Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
