Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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