dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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