you traded sex for a burrito?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
