you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
