my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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