Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
