I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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