take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize