Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
