The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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