She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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