I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
