i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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