i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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