his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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