I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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