I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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