bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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