i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
