Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
