I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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