Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
even my farts smell like vagina
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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