I am puke
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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