Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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