I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
