I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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