Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
