watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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