she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
