once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
