Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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