The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
