I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
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Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
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My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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