areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
