Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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