Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
