I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
