Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
