During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Houston, we have a squirter
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
