I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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