The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
