3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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