The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
