the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
These tits shall not be calmed
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