This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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