Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
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I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell