i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
