If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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