Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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