his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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