from now on my penis is your penis
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
