It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
