I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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